how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i need an iv and a liver transplant
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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