i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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