So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He passed out mid-signature
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
