I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
