I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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