you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
