The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
