is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
