So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
