Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
