Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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