I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
