If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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