I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
