Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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