oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm getting married
To pizza
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
