I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
