glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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