I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize