I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
