god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize