Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
