the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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