you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
