bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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