i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize