I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize