I puked a lego.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
