he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
