no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
