I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
