I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
