Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
