I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
