You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
