hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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