I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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