Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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