He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
