so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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