you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The uberlube is also flammable
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
