if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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