Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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