put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
