No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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