I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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