I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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