Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
