he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
