Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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