Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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