so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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