Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
