I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
