Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
