I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
