why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
