So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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