I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
