did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
