True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
