I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
