My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
